You are the Moon

You never see me
You can only feel me
I’m empty, nothingness
I’m craving, hopelessness
Take me along for your ride
Leave me behind tonight
Love me for what I’m not
Hate me for what is innate
Ice can burn like flames
Fire can change our phase
Tides go high and low
But I am no shore

Breakups

Breakups and rejection are distressing because they make us believe something is wrong with us. We wonder about what we did wrong, what we lack and what we need to fix and it consumes us. The doubt consumes us and also the possibility of how things would have been different if WE had been different consumes us just as much. You become so attached and comfortable with someone then it is snatched from you and it’s kind of like finding your true, individual self again kind of like reinventing yourself in a way as well.

-I had to write a short paragraph about love or breakups in my social psychology class. Naturally, I went with breakups. This was the result.

More awaits

I look at myself in the mirror, and I just know I’m meant for something bigger.

More awaits me in this life,
can’t say what, can’t say why

I just look at myself in the mirror and know I’m meant for something bigger.

Where did it go?

A movie is a simple thing, right?

They spend large amounts of money creating a two hour moving image that people will go spend money to sit and watch in a dark room.

Besides all that,

Do you remember when people used to clap when the movie ended? If they really liked the movie, if it touched them in a special way, if they thoroughly enjoyed it, people would clap.

Why?

It’s not as if the producers, actors or crew can hear them. They will never know these random people in small town, USA enjoyed their creation so much that they clapped when the screen went blank, also knowing no one would ever know.

You just don’t see that anymore. At least not where I live. I remember being younger and sometimes hearing the clapping and cheering after a movie but I haven’t experienced that recently and I don’t think I will.

Where has that gone? That appreciation, do people still feel it but just not express it? Would it be “weird” to clap at the end of a movie? Things as small and, maybe to some-insignificant, as this don’t happen anymore. The world and the people in it change.

I just hope that appreciation can be reincarnated, whatever it may be next.

Maybe.

(first off let’s make this clear: I have a wonderful family that loves me and I love them, God loved me so much that He blessed me with them. I am talking about stranger love not the love I already know and am blessed to have.)

Stranger Love. When you start off as strangers but end up falling in love. It seems so confusing when you think about it like that. Someone that you just meet. You didn’t have to meet them but fate wanted you to. It was destined. It seems so corny to think of it that way but that’s how it happens. You don’t just meet your soul mate by coincidence, it was MEANT to be. God had it written in his book all along.

Maybe it just takes some longer to meet them than it does for others.  Maybe I’m still really young and I need to give it a rest and stop complaining like I’m a 50 year old spinster. Maybe I’m just desperate for a stranger to realize what I’m all about and fall in love with it, for it to be recognized by someone completely new. Maybe I need to be touched again and feel wanted, to be told I’m beautiful and better than the girl of his dreams.  Maybe I miss him, or just the idea of him being mine.

Maybe I’m just desperate.

Happy or Unhappy?

Something my Women’s and Gender Studies professor said today made me realize that I am happy with where I grew up and how I grew up.  He said we have a narrow experience of life, meaning we’ve only experience a small piece of the world I believe, and that sometimes we defy that and go against what the norms would be for us and end up living different lives than that of our parents.

I believe that this is only if you’re unhappy with how and where you grew up, which I am not.  I loved growing up in a “big small town”, about 40,000 people whose lives revolved around Friday night football at the stadium behind the high school. I loved it so much that since high school I have decided I wanted to move back and raise my kids there and I still maintain that idea today, 5 years later.

But my younger sisters are choosing to defy it. They are both in high school and constantly talk about how they want to move away to a big city. Granted, this is a stage most teenagers go through, my stage was rather short, but I feel like they eventually will move a couple hours away to one of the big cities here in Texas. I finally understand why, sort of.

They were, and I guess are, unhappy with how they were raised and where they were raised. They want to defy it and have a new experience, one that they choose for themselves.  It makes me kind of sad to think they won’t be physically near if I ever want or need them but ultimately it’s their decision and their true feelings.

So where you happy or unhappy with your “narrow experience of the world”? Did you defy it or fall into the cycle?

College. Waste or …. what?

I have my first test of the semester this coming Thursday and today I spent almost 5 hours at the library finishing up some reading from the textbook for the class.

As I sat there reading I felt like I was wasting a Saturday. A beautiful Saturday with nice weather.  I felt like I should have been doing anything other than staring out the window from the third floor of the huge library on campus.

Is it really a waste though? Did it just seem like that because I was tired of reading? Isn’t college necessary to “make a decent living”?

Here is the reasoning: You need to go to college to get a good job to get paid good money to live nice. Since when are luxuries and extra money required to live a good, full, happy life? Not to be pessimistic, only realistic, but money and all your degrees won’t matter when you die. I’m sure it won’t be what everyone is talking about in Heaven, okay? Seriously though.

I guess the reason why I’m going to college is to be able to retire my parents who have done nothing but love me unconditionally and give to me everything that they could and to support the family I hope to have one day. So in a way, it’s a cycle that never ends and that we can’t get out of and honestly, we don’t want to get out of because we want to ensure our loved ones never have to worry about money.

This is why I will endure two more semesters after this one and then graduate school after that… because I love my current family and my future one, too.

Stupid Unconscious

I never realized until today why I had a tiny, middle-school crush on this guy that lives on the second floor of my apartments.

Well today, when he sat next to me on the bus, I realized why I had this little school girl crush on him. He is almost a spitting image of my ex. Not in the face much but his body type is almost exact to the T. (I’ve heard this “T” saying a lot and I figured it fit in here, maybe? I hope, anyway.)

We didn’t talk. I’m not too upset. He doesn’t seem like my type at all, he parties and drinks and maybe even smokes weed and I do this… and go jogging just to be near the grass and wildflowers, because I really really hate jogging but that is besides the point.

My unconscious said “Hey, this guy reminds her of her ex boyfriend, maybe she will like him too.” No. I don’t like him anymore. I don’t want to date the same guy over and over.

Maybe I am just really really desperate because I haven’t dated anyone in over 3 years. You know what? It gets lonely. It really does.

I don’t need another person to make me feel whole or alive. I just want another person to enjoy this life with.

I’m only 20. I guess it’ll happen eventually. But never soon enough.

Learning

is always fun.

Today in Social Psychology I learned about groups, specifically Group Polarization.

Group Polarization: The tendency for groups to make decisions that are much more extreme than the initial beliefs of individual group members.

Which is exactly what is going on in our country right now with political parties. Everyone has become extreme because for some reason the opposite is weak and “wishy-washy” and apparently it’s all or none.

If I don’t post for several days,

It’s because I went home for a visit.

I am able to realize that though I feel lonely here, I am loved at home, and that is what I realize. That I am truly blessed with a family that is always there for me. I am no one special to receive such an immense blessing but God still gave that to me and I hope I never take it for granted.  I also hope that maybe He might bless me with a family of my own in the future.

Sadly, I’m back at school from my little labor day weekend. All I’ve been doing is reading trying to stay caught up with the class schedules. Happy Wednesday…. not. There is nothing special about Wednesday except that it is another day God has given us. Let’s not waste it!

Back to reading…. I’ll leave you with this picture, I’m sure some of you can relate to when you’re doing schoolwork.